The Radiant Mission
The Radiant Mission
118. Rape, Loss, and Resilience: A Testimony of Hope
After experiencing unimaginable hardship, Rachael Muscarello joins us on the Radiant Mission Podcast to share her incredible journey of survival and faith. At just 13, Rachael faced the trauma of rape, an ordeal that she kept secret and that led to a profound sense of isolation. As she candidly recounts the subsequent loss of her sister, Crystal, to suicide, Rachael provides a poignant reflection on the themes of grief, healing, and the pursuit of faith through life’s darkest moments. Her story sheds light on the resilience of the human spirit and the complex dynamics of navigating relationships amidst trauma and abuse.
Rachael opens up about her struggles with mental health and the misconceptions she faced, including a misdiagnosis of bipolar disorder and the impact of powerful medication after a suicide attempt. She courageously speaks about the psychological challenges of surviving abuse and the societal pressures that accompany such experiences, particularly the lack of understanding and support from loved ones. Through Rachael’s narrative, we emphasize the vital need for empathy and robust support systems to aid those battling trauma and mental health issues.
As Rachael’s journey unfolds, listeners are inspired by her determination to create a safe haven for her child amidst the trials of young motherhood and domestic abuse. Her story of resilience continues as she navigates a high-risk pregnancy, finding strength in her faith and the community around her. This episode concludes with reflections on living authentically, guided by the teachings of Luke, and encourages us all to embrace transparency and integrity in our lives. Join us for this heartfelt episode as Rachael’s story inspires a powerful message of hope and the pursuit of a brighter future.
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Hello and welcome to the Radiant Mission Podcast. My name is Rebecca Toomey and we are on a mission to encourage and inspire you as you're navigating through your life and with your relationship with Christ. We have been in a series on being countercultural in a world that is very secular. Today and today I'm welcoming Rachel, and her testimony is extremely powerful and just a heads up here, warning ahead of time that we will be discussing topics such as suicide, physical, mental and sexual abuse, along with spiritual warfare. So just a disclaimer at the beginning. So, rachel, thank you so much for being here and for your courage and sharing your story with us.
Speaker 2:You're welcome, all right. So where do we start art? Uh, I want to probably just say as a little girl, um, I was pretty happy. Uh, I felt I don't know the correct way to say it but like I was special. And later on like now I can see it as I just had an anointing on my life, um, but at the same time, um, I just always felt like something was wrong. I was very anxious, um, and just you know what I mean. There was just issues and and how I felt and, I think, self-esteem and, um, my parents got divorced when I was five years old and my dad just kind of took off for a couple years to figure himself out and my mom just was really busy with working and checking out different relationships.
Speaker 2:And so I had a sister named Crystal, who was four and a half years older than me, and we were just extremely close. She would pretty much just help take care of me, and I had a love of music. My dad just had always taken me to all different kinds of concerts and things like that, and so I started chorus when I was in elementary school and she loved it as well and she would sing to me all the time, especially a rose by Bette Midler, and she would always find a way to get me to like quit a bad habit. So, for instance, I would bite my nails and she got me to. You know, stop doing that. We were just extremely close and when I went into middle school she ended up moving to Greenwood, south Carolina, to live with my grandparents and she was going to college to be a nurse. So it was a little hard, her being a distance college, to be a nurse. So it was a little hard, her being a distance, but I would go to my grandmother's quite a bit to visit her.
Speaker 2:Before that, when I was 13 years old, I got raped and I didn't tell anyone. It was somebody that lived in my neighborhood. It happened at a friend's house. It was somebody that lived in my neighborhood. It happened at a friend's house, thank you. This individual went around bragging about it. Cops got involved and I guess they came and tears crying and just gave you know my story of what happened. I mean, that's how I lost my virginity.
Speaker 2:I didn't really know anything about sex. I wrote a note to a friend wondering if, like maybe, I had been pregnant and miscarried, which, like your hymen, there's blood and things that come out. Sorry to be graphic, but that's the truth. And that friend's mom found that letter and, not knowing the context of it and what had happened to me, made her stop talking to me because she just assumed I was sexually active and a bad influence on her daughter. And so that was really hard because I felt isolated from a lot of friends, my family, southern Baptists, so you don't really talk about things. And here my sister that I had shared everything with I couldn't really, you know, talk to her about it.
Speaker 2:And I couldn't really you know, talk to her about it. So about a month later, I turned 14 years old and I was going up to my grandparents' house to visit my sister to celebrate my birthday. So it was exactly a week after my birthday and we hung out, we went to the mall, we listened to some music and how they say, hindsight is 2020 um, she had a Celine Dion CD and she continuously played, all by myself, like that day. You know what I mean and I can see that now. But then then you just think, oh, she liked the song and so, basically, she, we were at my grandparents' house. They had two different houses their main house and a guest house. My grandmother was having like a big red hat party thing, whatever else, and so us grandchildren my cousin as well were in the little house and we'd made a mess hanging out there through the weekend and my grandmother had asked us to clean it up before I would go home. Well, me and my cousin were agitated because we ended up being the two to clean it up, and so my sister, you know, came up there and we were giving her the silent treatment. You know, we're kids, whatever, we're agitated and she just got really mad and she said F you. And what I found out later is she went up to the main house, to her bedroom. She apparently left a note, but I've never it family destroyed it, so I have no idea what it said Took a gun, walked up the hill and took her life and we didn't know for several days.
Speaker 2:My parents came and got me. I remember being at school and I had gotten hurt somehow in PE, and so they were like, okay, we'll have a parent come get you, which now I can see that's not necessarily normal and so I had my stepfather come get me and when we pulled up to my house there was just a bunch of cars in the driveway and I just knew like my heart just stank. It's funny, the things that you can remember about times like that and things that you tend to kind of forget. But it was just.
Speaker 2:It was just so monumental, because here was my cheerleader. Like everybody has that one person that you feel like you can turn to. You know whether it's a parent or a grandparent or best friend or whatever else, and she was just all those things for me. She was just all those things for me, and so it was extremely hard Looking back at it. Now I can see God's hand in so many ways. Me and my cousin, before I went home, were riding on four-wheelers and we started to go down the trail that she was on, but it started to rain and so we turned back around.
Speaker 2:I am so thankful for that because I cannot imagine seeing her or being the one to find her. It rained for two days. She was not found. For several days it rained, it kept the insects off of her. For closure, I needed to see her. We were able to have an open casket. She just had a blister from gunpowder on her lip.
Speaker 2:Um, and like the moment I saw her, I just was the viewing before the funeral. I just collapsed and my grandfather and my stepfather, um, just caught me. Uh, I don't remember a whole lot. So sorry, my dog, I don't remember a whole lot after that because you know you're just so distraught and you're crying and just trying to do the best that you can to get through it, get over it.
Speaker 2:I do know that it helped me to find my love for writing, that I could kind of find an outlet and be able to express words, and I found that I had not only a gift for it, but I was just able to go in a depth that a lot of people are not able to do and I really just became closer to God. I remember being at a youth group and us doing, uh, you know, our little Bible study or whatever else, and I just I literally felt God's presence in the room and it just felt like the room got brighter, even though it may not have gotten brighter to everyone else. That's just what I felt in that moment and I knew in my heart that I wanted to give my life to God. And it's really neat Our church that we had a lot of times you come back from your youth groups and things like that and we would get to go up and just write something and kind of give a little bit of what that trip was. So being able to share that testimony was just really neat.
Speaker 2:So from there I just I really got lost. You know, you're a teen. You have this trauma that you've gone through, have, um, this loneliness that you feel because you know there's just a huge part of me that was missing, um, your biggest encourager and everything else. And, um, when I was 16, I was date raped. That one did did not get reported to the police, so that was a little difficult to do. But I, as I got older, I found that I didn't make the best decisions in relationships that I chose. When I was 18 years old I was kidnapped, robbed and raped from the place that I worked. What that's wild. Out of all the things that I've ever been through in my life is the one that really messed me up.
Speaker 1:That had to be scary it was just sitting at work one day and people come in and just grab you so he, he was a known, uh, con artist customer, whatever else.
Speaker 2:He's actually married to a preacher's daughter. I um had a storage unit because I was like in between places but I was, you know, keeping my stuff and I had bought some wicker furniture from him, which later on I found out he stole a Blu-ray player that I had. When he put the wicker furniture in there and me, I checked afterwards but I just peeped in and saw it and was like, okay, everything is good. So he waited for me to get off of work. Wow, so that was kind of the thing. He wanted to, uh, to rob the store. But I just like, really quick, I was like, oh well, it's a different code to get in for the alarm. This is something I made up to keep that from happening.
Speaker 2:Um, he was on drugs, he, I remember, just trying on the way there. I just got like this gut feeling I don't know. It was like the way he was talking or something and I was just like this is, this is so off. You know what I mean like just really starting to get scared because I'm not I don't know what all I'm in for. You know what I mean? Um, so I had a knife pulled on me. I? Um, he said there was a gun. I never physically saw the gun but, um, afterwards the police did find bullets and everything in the vehicle. So I'm not really sure about that.
Speaker 2:But you know, he made me beg for my life. I remember just begging and crying and telling him how my mom had lost my sister and she couldn't lose me too Like I, you know, I needed to live and I just remember trying to like steer around and just take in as many details as I could. Um, at one point he took me with the money that he stole for me, um, and bought crack and tried to sell me to his dealers. Um, I mean it, it, it was just awful, and um brought me back to his place again. Um, and you know, I just I started really praying to God.
Speaker 2:You know, at that moment I just just did, and it's weird because even all of that and I forgot to mention before we went um, he took me out and he bought drugs. He was on the phone. So I found out from the police he never talked to anyone, but he made it seem like he was on the phone to me and he just really messed with my head. Just you know, talking to somebody, hey, I did something bad, I'm going to have my fun. Then I'll give her to her, give her to you. You can do whatever you want to her for a couple of days before you get rid of her. You know what I mean? Just Wow.
Speaker 1:So he was scaring you? Oh yeah, so it was just just all this terror. Just what were you thinking during this? Are you like trying to figure out an escape plan? Are you trying to figure out if he's weak enough to attack, or you're just like I gotta survive this survive this.
Speaker 2:Just, I have to survive this. I didn't think of any of that. As I get into further my testimony and disclose a little bit more, I think from being a victim, you have some that fight and you have some that just freeze up and from being a victim at such a young age that that kind of just up, and from being a victim at such a young age that that kind of just happened, you know, you're just, you freeze, that's your MO, that's what you've always done. You know it's so easy for someone else to say, oh well, I would have kicked their butt or I would have done this or I would have done that. I mean, here's somebody also messing with your head that they're going to kill you or you know whatever else. And so you're thinking, OK, if I don't put up that much of a fight, I might get to live.
Speaker 1:Sure.
Speaker 2:Yeah, so it's.
Speaker 2:You know it's a very hard thing from that, but I just remember praying to God and a peace coming over me and even kind of getting a little bit of an attitude with him, like he had talked about taking me home, dropping me off, um, whatever else.
Speaker 2:And so obviously, like I'm just, I'm wanting everything to be done, I'm wanting to get home so I can go to the police, like everything else, and I was trying to convince him that you know, I wasn't going to say anything and um, just whatever I could. And then when he put me in his vehicle he was like oh, if we get pulled over by the police, you better not say anything, because I'll shoot the cop, then I'll shoot you, he. And then even on the way of going to my place, he was just very paranoid, probably from the drugs, um, and he, he almost wanted to turn around. And again, I'm just, I'm just sitting there praying in my head, and so he dropped me off at, uh, my parents' place. I was house dog sitting and a good friend of mine was there and um did he know to go there.
Speaker 2:You told him like no, I told him yeah, okay and see, I and I had two different things in money because I'm just responsible. So I had like one, the pocket in my shirt, because it was like a gas station, circle k, and I had my money for like my bills, my insurance, whatever else. And then in the bottom pocket I had my money for like food, whatever, and so he had taken the money from the top pocket in the very beginning, whatever else. Well, when he went and dropped me off at my house, then he took the rest of my money and I just remember feeling this huge sigh of relief whenever, um, I finally was able to you know what I mean Get out of the car and walk up to my door.
Speaker 2:And I have been dating a guy maybe two weeks. We didn't know each other that well. Um, and he was there with my friend and her boyfriend because we were all going to like, go grab dinner and that type of thing, and I just got to the door and started crying and I don't remember exactly what I said. I mean, I told him I had been raped, and so we just all got in my car and we went to the hospital because you think, okay, that's where you need to go. That's what I think was kind of traumatizing as well is you're sitting here and you're going through all this and they sent me away and sent me to like some other little medical center type thing or whatever else.
Speaker 1:Wow.
Speaker 2:Yeah, so I thought that was different.
Speaker 1:That's crazy. So they didn't examine you or anything.
Speaker 2:No, they sent me somewhere else and then had that place do all of that. Okay, I was just like. I mean, I wasn't injured, I get that, you know, I did have a mark on my throat from the knife, but it wasn't like anything major or whatever else. After that, I just did not have a whole lot of support. The people that I was living with, which was, you know, a friend and her husband we were roommates, but they had already lived there and I came later kicked me out because they were like, oh well, I don't want this guy like coming here, whatever, you know what I mean Like we don't know how much he knows about you. My family just was not that supportive. My, my mom at the time, um, said, well, I feel like you put yourself in that situation because I knew I knew him. She has since, I want to say she has since apologized and, um, we have an amazing relationship now, but at that time it it was hard because you think, okay, like they're gonna rally around me, whatever else, and, um, I that was the second time I had tried to commit suicide Um, so also I, or no, yeah, the first time that I tried, I don't exactly remember what age I was. Um, I ended up in the hospital, like on the psych ward, um, and nothing makes you realize how sane you are until you're around a lot of people that aren't. I got misdiagnosed with bipolar because it ran in my family. Both my parents have it and my sister had it we're just half sisters but I got misdiagnosed with that Well, misdiagnosed with that Well.
Speaker 2:Later on, the second time, after being raped, one of the medications that I took was like a bipolar medication. It was a full bottle and I didn't want to go back to the hospital because I knew how scary that place was and I it's not like I really had any visitors and it's it just was really awful. Um, and so the guy that I had been dating ended up, um, taking me to his mom's and we went to Mooresville, North Carolina, and I mean, I was told later on that there's no way you should have been messed up. You should have like had something wrong. They just said it was like a very powerful medication and I'm telling you like I couldn't eat anything for a few days. I remember at some point him holding me up in the shower so I could shower, but I couldn't see, like my vision was not there. It was as dark and dots Like it was really crazy, wow, and I took all of it, yeah.
Speaker 1:Wow.
Speaker 2:So this is not having my stomach pumped, nothing, that's what I'm saying. You know what I mean. Like at that time, I wish I could say that it pushed me closer to God, but it didn't, and fortunately I just formed a trauma bond with this person, the guy you were dating.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and it turned out to be a physically and mentally abusive relationship. I got pregnant with my first son and my dad, originally being Catholic, kind of pushed for us to get married. In my head I think I would marry him. I didn't know. I felt maybe eventually, and so he said he felt under pressure. I couldn't tell you, I don't know, but we got married.
Speaker 2:We like even on the honeymoon he was awful to me and we finally came back and we lived at his mom's for a little while and towards the end of my pregnancy I left them and I came back to South Carolina and stayed with my mom and my stepdad and when I, when I had my son, he was probably there for like a day and then he was being look two days after giving birth, being released from the hospital, and I gave birth to an eight pound, 10 ounce baby like here a woman that starts off 103 pounds tiniest can be to a big baby like that, like that's a natural I mean with medication, but still like that's a lot. And then he was trying to get me to sleep with him.
Speaker 1:Oh boy.
Speaker 2:Yeah, so, um, I wish I could say that that was the end of that chapter, but it really wasn't just that trauma bond, feeling like that's the one person that's been there for you no matter what and through everything you know, moving back to North Carolina and just trying to live within my marriage, whatever, I don't know. But the physical abuse continued and he never put his hands on my son, but the screaming, just the things that my son was subjected to, I was like I'm, I'm not allowing this. Like I it doesn't matter how I feel my child is the most important thing in the world and his safety is the most important thing in the world to me. And so I left him and it was hard, beyond the bond, anything else, because here you're getting a divorce from somebody. You guys are legally married, he's on the birth certificate, like all the things, so you have to like, you have to have some communicate. You know what I mean.
Speaker 2:Like it is just harder than that and I would let him have some visitation. However, I would always have to be at his mom's, because then I knew that it was a safe space and, trust me, it was never for long before you wanted me to come pick him back up. Um. You know, I was also just young and doing the best that I could. Um how old were you at this point?
Speaker 2:I was 19 okay, yeah uh, 19 or 20, actually, yeah, because I had I had my son um when I was 20 years old, okay so. So I'm okay, yeah, between 20.
Speaker 1:That's very that is very young to be have gone through all of the things that you've gone through up to this point, and now you know this chapter of motherhood starts and you've known a series of abuses over this time.
Speaker 2:And so I was. You know, I was trying to do that, and more so for my mother-in-law because, know, I mean, that's her grandchild and she did love him and she was always a huge help with him. Um, until one time when I went back to get my son and he wouldn't give him to me and I and we called the police and the police were like, well, he's the father, he's on the birth certificate, like we can't do anything and like that was the scariest moment of my life I bet wow so from there, um, towards the very, very end, I had moved in with a roommate and the police got involved because he was there, somehow, started being physically abusive and I was supposed to take my son for an appointment that he had that day regardless.
Speaker 2:And he grabbed my son and, from like the top of my bed to lower my mattresses, dropped him like that on a bed to change his diaper, and it was. It scared me and it scared my son. My son gets a clean diaper. I then take my son with me trying to get out of there, get grabbed by the neck, whatever else, finally get in my car. My son's not buckled in, I'm just in my car inching along, with the doors locked, because he's trying to get in through the other door.
Speaker 2:He ended up breaking my door handle on that door. I called the cops, I'm on the phone with 911. And just to say all the issues that he had, he's sitting there saying how, oh, when the cops come, that he's going to shoot them or whatever. And he didn't even have a weapon. But it's just the ignorance.
Speaker 1:Or a weapon, but it's just the ignorance, or you know whatever else which I found out later on that he was an addict and I I was gonna ask I mean, this sounds like some major spiritual warfare going on here, like he was oppressed or possessed by something, something was overtaking him. Yeah, um, how long, by the way, to rewind a little bit the day that he said that him and his mom said they're keeping your son. How long did they end up hanging on to him before you were able to get him back?
Speaker 2:no, so that was a just a him thing. I think it was. Later that day his mom came home and was like, yes, he needs to go back to her, okay, okay so he was just trying to use that as a power move against you. Oh yeah, oh yeah, because he knew that was my weakness okay um, is that? No, it's okay. The best thing that ever happened was the police getting involved because he had had my son and dropped him. Like that.
Speaker 2:He that's considered child abuse, and so social services gets involved, which is scary as crap my bad and um, they, you know, then they have to see how you are as a mother or whatever else, and obviously I was a good mother, so it went okay, but the stress from it was just insane, um, and it caused me to get sick a lot or whatever else. What really happened is I had a lady from a domestic violence shelter come out and talk to me. They provided me with counseling, um, um, at that point I didn't work, so I tried working at a subway and on one of my shifts, right before I was supposed to go in, he got physically abusive with me. I was um upset and trying to recover from that. So I finally, you know, called my boss, but it's probably 45 minutes after my shift and she's like come in. But as soon as I got there I got fired, um, which I've been a manager before, so I get that Um. So, yeah, I wasn't working at the time. The social service got involved and, you know, I got a job. They helped put him in daycare and helped pay for it, which was really awesome and um, just the counseling and things like that. Just, you know, having somebody to vent to.
Speaker 2:Um, excuse me, at one point I was having issues with the roommate that I was living and contemplating even living in a domestic violence shelter for a little bit as I continued to get on my feet, um. But I met somebody through the new place that I worked at, worked at a movie theater. We became really good friends. Um, ironically and the reason it's ironic is I have twin boys. She had twin girls, identical twin girls, which at the time I just had my oldest son and I knew nothing, didn't think anything of it, because it was many, many years later that I had my twins. I moved in with her and it was awesome. I had my son there, it was a safe place. She had her two girls.
Speaker 2:There were times my mom and stepfather were very attached to my older son so sometimes I would take, you know, him down there for a week and that way they could spend some time with them and do a lot of fun things. You know that I couldn't always do and my stepfather was always so hands-on and just made things fun and just very nurturing and loving and everything else. And eventually I met my current ex-husband. He was going to college. So there's a four-year age difference with us. I'm four years older and we would just kind of flirt a little bit. You know, working at the movie theater, if I was in the concession part I'd push popcorn onto the floor for him as he's sweeping it, kind of thing.
Speaker 2:Um, and then he asked me on a date and uh, I just remember thinking how how much respect he had, like I liked you know what I mean, that um, he wasn't trying to be like too handsy or just anything else and um, I don't know, just just you could tell he's a good person. And I remember in the beginning saying too, like we can't date the age difference. I was so easy, I was 22 years old and he's 18. Like I don't know, that just didn't feel right. What happened is we just continued to talk and just kind of had a bond, continued to talk and just kind of had a bond. And I remember falling for him because you know, my son was two at the time and kids see you on the phone and they want to be on the phone, yep, so my son wanted to be on the phone. He's like put them on. I was like really, you know, and just the way he talked to him and um, just our conversations and everything else, I was like, okay, there's something there.
Speaker 2:Yeah, so we dated we're probably about seven, eight-ish months, and just the way he was raised you do things right, you graduate college, then you find your job, career, then you get married and have kids and whatever else. And so he he broke up with me and I was kind of devastated because we had just gotten so close and at this point we had just moved in with each other as well. So we kind of were stuck on a lease and I was like you know what? I'm just going to go to my girlfriend's for the weekend. It was her birthday, we're going to be going out, whatever else, and she was actually trying to set me up on a date. So I was on a blind date and I remember, like you're a girl, you don't really got anywhere to put your phone. So I had this individual holding my phone and he and my ex-husband kept calling it. So finally, at the end of the night, you know, I back and um at that time I'm old, I'm 41, so we didn't have ready internet access on our phones, our cell phones, um, and so he just asked, you know, for me to try and check my myspace because he had sent a message, and so it took me another day or so. I ended up coming home early from my friends and I read the message and it just was basically that, you know, he made a mistake and he couldn't imagine his life without me or my son in it. And if I didn't feel the same way he would respect that. And, of course, like that's all I needed to hear. I still loved him. So I let the gentleman I went on a date with down very gently, which I felt guilty about, but, and we just kind of picked up from there.
Speaker 2:It was about two months later and we just kind of picked up from there. It was about two months later my ex-husband was graduating college and his family was in town Back up about a month before that. He was talking about marriage and he was like, but I just I can't afford a ring. And I was like I mean I don't care about a ring from Walmart, like that's not important to me. And we went to Walmart and we were just looking at them and like the prices, whatever. I mean you have them for like a hundred and something bucks, whatever.
Speaker 2:So fast forward back a couple of weeks. His family's all there, we're about to go to the graduation ceremony and he's like, well, I got to stop real quick. I think he was cashing his check at Walmart and whatever, and he gets in the car, it's raining out and he pulls out this box and he takes the ring and he puts it on my finger and I just I don't know if he was gonna say anything or not, but he wasn't saying anything and it felt like all this time was passing and I was like you have to ask me, like you can't just assume, um, so he asked me and we became engaged and you know we're able to share that with his family and everything was awesome. Um, we had planned an October wedding and we were planning on going up to Pennsylvania and just doing something really small. But his, you know, he's older, he's graduated college.
Speaker 2:Now, you're assuming all these loans which he had Sally made, they're relentless and your parents are like all right, well, you're an adult now you can handle all all these different bills and legally we're engaged. But we can't get on like each other's car insurance or you know what I mean, just different things to combine our bills and and just make it cheaper and cost effective, because obviously we're doing life together. And so, um, we were like you know what we're just going to go to the courthouse here, and that's probably like a month or so before we went to the courthouse. In this time as well, knowing that we were going to be going to um, to the courthouse, I was like I want to start trying to have kids, because I had my oldest son At that time.
Speaker 2:He was like three and a half and I really wanted the same age difference or close to that me and my sister had, because we were so close. So, you know, we started trying whatever else and I took a couple tests and they were negative and we went to the courthouse. I had a friend that was a witness that took some pictures and we had my youngest son with me, I mean my oldest son with me. We dropped him off at my dad's so that, you know, we could go grab something to eat and went to the movies and then went home. I had to work the next day, you know. So, yeah, that was that I found out about three days later that I was pregnant. I found out, probably about four months when we went for the anatomy scan, that it was twins. Wow. So I was shaking like a leaf and I remember him just grinning from ear to ear and just being so proud, and me because having Christian, I'm like, oh my gosh, like that was hard with one baby, what am I going to do with two? Uh, so, uh.
Speaker 2:The hard part as well was I got put on bedrest at like 22 weeks. I went into preterm labor and so, um, they I was high risk pregnancy as well, because they were identical and they were keeping an eye on everything. And they had said if you have so many contractions I think it was two contractions within an hour, you have to call in and come up to the hospital. So I did that and I had gotten over being sick the weekend before, so I probably was a little dehydrated and didn't realize it. I probably was a little dehydrated and didn't realize it, and we're in the hospital and I think everything's okay at that point, until they give me the first medication and my contractions don't stop, which I think was like magnesium. Okay, they had given me. So then it became a little scary because even though they would have been viable, especially in that time, because there's even some hospitals now that won't try and do any life-saving measures- yeah, yep, I'm a part of a group called 22 Matters.
Speaker 2:Yes, I'm a part of that group too.
Speaker 1:Okay, yeah, I love it, I am. And for those listening that don't know about it, it's on Facebook. It's called 22 Matters and it's a group for moms that go into preterm labor or have their babies early, as early as even earlier than 22 weeks. There have been stories on there of babies I've heard born at 19 weeks is the earliest that I've seen on there, but even 2021, but, like you said, not all hospitals will save babies that are born that early or have the equipment to do so, and this was like 17 years ago, so especially not then.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I'm sure.
Speaker 2:So that's you know. Finally, they tried other medications and were able to get my contractions to stop. That's when I found out that I was going to have to be on bed rest and go on medical leave. So that was extremely hard, because I mean this little frame and trying to house these two humans and getting up and walking around for too long even to do normal things like cooking a meal was really hard, and the medication that they wanted me to take it made me like it was a stimulant kind of, so you can't get up, you can't really move around, and yet here's this stimulant and it also is kind of so you can't get up, you can't really move around, and yet here's this stimulant and it also is kind of messing with your anxiety. But you just have to deal with it, because it's what's going to keep your babies in there, so that, um, they have a fighting chance.
Speaker 2:And my mom, my parents, did have to. I think my dad took our dog at the time and my mom took my oldest son, and so what they would do is they would keep them and then they would come up for the weekend and visit, and that way he got to see me and spend time with me and that was really hard to be, in a way from home, like that feeling like I'm neglecting him because I'm doing what's best for his brothers. Like you know it was. It was a struggle, brothers, like it, you know it was. It was a struggle, um, I remember praying some through there, but um, I wasn't, you know, attending church or anything else, and um was your ex husband.
Speaker 1:At the time was he a believer.
Speaker 2:Yes, I wouldn't have dated somebody that wasn't a believer. I wouldn't have dated somebody that wasn't a believer.
Speaker 2:I knew that that was important to me. But he was raised Catholic, so much so even went to catechism school, got the extra name, like all of those types of things, and I don't think that bothered me because my dad was Catholic from my childhood. I remember once or twice us going to a Catholic church. I didn't know a lot about it, like as in how I do now and some of the beliefs and how hardcore they are about those beliefs, but he wasn't, you know, going to church or we weren't talking about God in our home or just different things like that. And so I had the twins and I was so thankful to his family. His mom came and she helped.
Speaker 2:I mean, with twins I got a C-section. They were 36 weeks. One was transverse, which means he was sideways, and the other one was in position. When you have identical twins it's so easy for that second baby to get the cord around their neck or just something to go wrong. If you try and do a vaginal birth Plus, you can also get the one out and then still just really have a hard time getting that second one out because he wasn't in position. So I made the decision to have a C-section because I knew they could get them out extremely fast and that was the best chance that they had, without having any issues wrong with them or whatever else. And so I mean they cut you pretty wide, and so my mother-in-law stayed a little bit and helped. They ended up needing some NICU time, so they were in the NICU for about nine days and you know, obviously that was scary as well.
Speaker 1:Was there a reason why they took them at 36 weeks versus waiting?
Speaker 2:So when they had started to show mild signs of twin to twin transfusion it's where one is getting more nutrients than the other one I was starting to show some signs of preeclampsia. I probably could have been admitted into the hospital and them stay in another week or two, but they didn't give me my that option and I didn't know that at the time.
Speaker 1:Sure, of course. Yeah, I mean there's so much that we learn during the birth process. It's crazy.
Speaker 2:Yes, and so um them also just saying, uh, at 36 weeks it was just, you know, the best thing for them. So you know, for a while we were really happy little family, them being preemies and RSVC season, all those things. It just became extremely hard because they were hospitalized several times and you got at that point I hadn't gone back to work yet. I'm with them, he's trying to work, I've also got Christian. It just it was a lot. And so we made the choice to move up to Pennsylvania to be closer to his family, and so we found a really large house and moved in with his parents to where we were kind of like all had our different rooms you know what I mean and just all paid rent to make it work, which they did pay more than we did as well, to kind of help us out.
Speaker 1:Thank you so much for tuning in to this episode of the Radiant Mission podcast with our guest, rachel Muscarello. As you are probably hearing, she has been through quite a bit a lot of trauma, a lot of hardship, a lot of difficult situations and yet, through them all, she persevered and she pushed through. And as she continued to grow and go through these experiences, she drew closer and closer to the Lord. Now we did decide to split this episode, so come back next week for part two so you can hear what happens next in Rachel's story. And yeah, if you want to listen outside the podcast or check in with us outside the podcast, be sure to do so on Instagram or Facebook at the Radiant Mission or the Radiant Mission podcast, and, of course, you can also watch this in video format on YouTube if you aren't already.
Speaker 1:Today we're going to close with Luke 12, verses two through three. Nothing is covered up that will not be revealed or hidden, that will not be known. Therefore, whatever you have to say in the dark shall be heard in the light, and what you have whispered in private rooms shall be proclaimed on the housetops. We're wishing you a radiant week and we'll see you next time. Bye, everyone.
