The Radiant Mission
The Radiant Mission
119. Healing Generational Wounds with Faith & Forgiveness, Pt 2 w/Rachael Muscarello
What happens when the pursuit of faith intersects with the complexity of personal struggles? Rachael joins us on the Radiant Mission for part 2 to share her moving and earnest testimony. She takes us through her difficult journey, beginning with her move to Pennsylvania and the unraveling of her marriage, marked by sacrifices and overlooked red flags. Learn how Rachael's choices, such as undergoing the Essure procedure, reveal the intersection of family planning, faith, and resilience amid spiritual battles.
Rachael's story unfolds with a raw account of the health challenges she faced due to the Essure contraceptive device, shedding light on broader issues of medical device safety. Join us as she bravely recounts the discovery of fragmented coils in her body and the personal trauma from her past, navigating her path to recovery through therapy and faith. Rachel's narrative highlights the resilience needed to confront these challenges and the transformative journey of sharing one's truth in the face of personal and familial repercussions.
Drawing from her experiences, Rachael reflects on finding peace and purpose through faith and community. She shares her growth in communication and forgiveness, setting boundaries to overcome codependency and rebuilding her relationships. Rachael's commitment to breaking generational cycles leads her to embrace her purpose through new ventures like writing and music. Her story encourages a profound spiritual connection and illustrates the supportive power of programs like Re-Engage and Regeneration, reminding us that true healing and resilience come from placing faith at the core of our lives.
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The Hello and welcome to the Radiant Mission podcast. My name is Rebecca Toomey and we are on a mission to encourage and inspire you as you're navigating through your life and with your relationship with Christ. Navigating through your life and with your relationship with Christ, we have been in a series on being countercultural in a world that is very secular. Today and today I'm welcoming Rachel, and her testimony is extremely powerful and, just a heads up here, warning ahead of time that we will be discussing topics such as suicide, physical, mental and sexual abuse, along with spiritual warfare. So just a disclaimer at the beginning. So, rachel, thank you so much for being here and for your courage and sharing your story with us.
Speaker 2:You're welcome.
Speaker 1:Last week we heard part one of Rachel's story and we are back this week for part two.
Speaker 2:We are going to jump right into it, let's go. So we moved up to Pennsylvania. Um, as soon as we moved up there we had not been there very long um, my ex-husband was just kind of acting weird and distant and whatever else. And one night we were talking and, um, he just was having a lot of doubts and like, oh, I think I made a mistake and I don't know if I want to be with you and just whatever else. Like I completely broke down because I was like what do you mean? Like I just gave up everything and moved up here to be near your family and where you're from, and come to find out he was smoking cigarettes. Um, the dumbest thing, because he never started until he was 18 years old and he was hiding it. Because that's not something that I want. My parents not my parents, my mom, my mom was a smoker and smoked around us as kids, so even at school, getting um, people giving me a hard time because my clothes smell like it. But yeah, I can't tell because I'm always around it and it's just something I wanted nothing to do with. Um, so that's something that you know. Finally, I think a lot of what was making him feel that way again yes, spiritual warfare, but was just having that secret and the pressure of having to keep it a secret. So you know, that was something that we worked through.
Speaker 2:I can say I can look back at things now and see at times that he had a bit of a temper. I remember being pregnant with my twins. So we were married and us going to the mall in the vehicle and he wouldn't turn the air conditioning on and, mind you, I'm pregnant, pregnant with twins, so I am dying and I just being kind of an argument and that can. I think that that's where like a red flag at that point was. But at the same time I also we were already married and I was pregnant with twins and there was a lot of good things too. You know what I mean. But hindsight and looking back now, I can see some of those signs as well.
Speaker 2:I think for me a lot too is when we grew up together, but there was times that I just was never a priority. I remember him playing like Xbox so many times and just completely ignore me, but in my head, well you know what. He's not out doing drugs or God knows what. At least I know where he is, because that was my past experience had been when I, shortly before I started back with work, I had wanted to get my tubes tied whenever I had the twins because, cesarean, they're already in there, just get it done. And my husband didn't want to because, you know, he thought maybe eventually we might want more kids.
Speaker 2:For me, I had never wanted more than two, which is why god has such a? Um sense of humor, because obviously have three, um, not because I don't love children or that I didn't want a house full of them, but I just wanted to be able to provide for them and to know that they would be fully loved on and I wouldn't be spread too thin and I would just get to give them all these things in the structure that I felt I didn't have. So I did not get my tubes tied and shortly before I was going to go back to work, I know I needed to look into birth control and, with the twins having been really sick, then he started to realize that I was right about you know, not having any more children.
Speaker 2:He was a lot younger than me and he didn't have the insurance that I had. However, I don't think they would have approved it at his age as well, having a vasectomy.
Speaker 1:Okay.
Speaker 2:So I really pushed for it and the doctors told me about this device called the assure. So it's a medical device. You go to the doctor, they put you in a twilight type state and they use this thing to put these metal coils around your fallopian tubes wow, I've never heard of this, okay.
Speaker 2:So the coils then scar up and nothing can get through and you can go get imaging or whatever else, but it's not invasive. You have little to no downtime. Maybe cramping, which I didn't end up having, so I thought baby cramping, which I didn't end up having. So I thought, great, this is awesome, so I do it. Not long after me and my current ex-husband sat down and we talked about it and I worked for GNC. I was a manager and I just made better money, and so we decided for him to quit his job at that point and come be home with the kids so that I could work until we figured out our next move from that. This is before we moved to Pennsylvania.
Speaker 1:Okay.
Speaker 2:And so we did that for a little bit and then we decided to move up to Pennsylvania, obviously because we needed family around. We moved up to Pennsylvania. I had to step down from the manager position because they simply just did not have one up in Pennsylvania when I transferred.
Speaker 2:So I started out again as a sales associate and he had graduated college for working on vehicles and he started with the Ford dealership as a mechanic and you know, we found daycare, we found all these things. Stuff really started to fall into place until I started having issues. I had to get my wisdom teeth removed and I had, I mean, blood just gushing. It was crazy and it was scary. And then I would have my period and it just got to the point where I would just walk and again just gush blood and again, sorry for being graphic- no, it's all good, we, we've talked about birth and babies on here, it's all good.
Speaker 2:So I knew something was up and I ended up getting referred to, uh, a hematologist. So is that like the cancer center? So of course I don't know what they're testing for and, knowing I'm in a cancer center, that was also very like scary. But they do different tests and I ended up getting diagnosed with a bleeding disorder called von Willebrand's and that is where your blood basically doesn't clot, blood basically doesn't clot. Okay, so I had to get a partial hysterectomy at 26 years old. It's something that I had to fight for because the insurance didn't want to approve it. They wanted to do an ablation. Well, because I had those metal coils in my body, they couldn't do that. I mean, if they had tried it, those would have heated up and I can't imagine the internal issues that it would have caused.
Speaker 1:Did the coils have anything to do with this clotting disorder?
Speaker 2:Oh yeah, I'm getting to that.
Speaker 1:Okay, okay.
Speaker 2:Okay, I know it's just one big adventure. It's like I'm an infomercial. But wait, there's more. So you know I get diagnosed with that, just really fighting my insurance because I know that that's what's best for me. So I have the partial hysterectomy and can you explain to listeners what that entails?
Speaker 1:once you have a partial hysterectomy and I didn't explain to listeners what that entails. Once you have a partial hysterectomy, okay.
Speaker 2:So they they went and they use like a robot type thing with these arms to go into, uh, my abdominal cavity. They then cut out your uterus I don't really know. They cut out part of my tubes because they did the removal, whatever else, and they basically those little robotic arms, just like cut up pieces and suck it out so that they don't have to have a wide incision. Okay, so that comes to another huge part of my testimony, because after having that surgery, I started having a lot of issues, a lot of pains, issues with my neck and back, which, from my first marriage and the abuse that I endured, I already had a little bit of issues with my neck and my shoulder from that. So it took me a full year to investigate and I got diagnosed with fibromyalgia. So it just got so bad to the point where I couldn't work and that was obviously very hard, especially living in Pennsylvania, where everything is a lot higher in cost.
Speaker 2:2018, I found out that there was a group called Assure Sisters, called assure sisters, and there was information coming out that these coils were made of nickel and that they were causing a lot of issues, and I found out that there were women that got pregnant, but their babies died, like you know they, because of issues with the assure.
Speaker 2:There's women that got cancer, there's um, just all these. You know different side effects from it. And then I found out that there was a doctor, uh, that was from texas, and that he knew the specific procedure that you had to get done to get these quills out and to get them out safely. And so I looked into going and seeing him, and the first thing that they did was send me for imaging here, closer to me, and that's when I found out that I no longer had the full coils inside me. Instead, I had pieces, oh no, and so the reason that they take them out in one piece is because they're made up of all different kinds of like fibers and metal pieces and whatever else. And so, looking at my x-ray, it just looks like I have a bunch of BBs in my abdominal cavity.
Speaker 1:Oh no.
Speaker 2:And when I asked about having them removed, because they're in different areas and it would be exploratory surgery, they just were not confident that they would ever be able to get all of them out oh man yeah so, um, it finding all that out was very devastating because there were so many women that were having these removed and were having 100, having a hundred percent recovery.
Speaker 2:And, um, uh, from there there's a documentary called the bleeding edge. It was on Netflix so it may still be on there, but it goes into depth more about how the FDA just kind of put this out and did not fully, uh like, vet it or do their due diligence before approving it, and that they're made of nickel and so I have several auto-immunes and what it is in my body is fighting that as a foreign object because it's metal toxicity.
Speaker 1:Yep, I'm so glad that you are sharing the details of this with our audience Because, like I said, I haven't heard of this one before. We have talked about the Mirena IUD and the copper IUD. I myself had the copper IUD and experienced copper toxicity from it, and also had issues with Mirena, where I had suicidal ideation and had it removed. It was embedded to my uterine wall, went through all this drama, but I reported it to the company, because that's one of the other big problems in all of this is they continue to push the same product even though women are being damaged, and I think a lot of times it's because the doctors themselves won't report it. Yeah, I know, mine wouldn't.
Speaker 2:The doctors were getting kickbacks from those.
Speaker 1:That's why and they don't care that it's happening to, even if it's 10% of women.
Speaker 2:Trying to get a good picture of that. So tattooed on me is that ribbon, because in our group there was somebody that came up with that image and it said survivors. I didn't want that on mine because I didn't want people to think that I had cancer, because I did not and obviously I can't imagine all the things you know that one has to go through with that disease.
Speaker 1:Um, but around it is the coils and then above it are, you know, just made to kind of look like the pieces that are left inside me. Wow, and so those are still inside you now. They were never able to attempt to take them out or anything, nope.
Speaker 2:Wow, I'm so sorry. It's okay. My point in that is I mean, from all the trauma that I had growing up, I also forgot to mention my oldest brother. He was a was that, you know, hard. I wasn't as close with him as I was with my sister and he ended up running away like 16 or so and then going to live with his mom and he just cut off all contact and I never understood why. Because I looked up to him, why because I looked up to him and when I was 20 and he passed away, I found out that I was molested by him when I was a child.
Speaker 2:I don't know exactly how old I was, I was probably I was between two and four. Luckily it's something that I had blocked out of my memory. But when I said earlier about how, as a kid, I just always felt off or sad, you know there was just something and I couldn't explain it. So that was very traumatizing to find that out and then still not be able to find out all the details of it, because I feel like my dad is somewhat in denial about it and it's hard for me to say these things because I don't want to upset my parents and I'm not trying to cause any drama, as you would say.
Speaker 2:I'm just telling my story. And I'm telling it because I feel like God wants me to and if somebody can look at me and see all the things that I've been through and that I still look at things in a positive light and see God's hand in it all, that it can help them. Be that brave as well. And you know, he put on my heart before about writing a book and I had started it and then I stopped for a little while because, yes, it's hard to write about some of those things, not as much. I've done so much therapy to be able to get over that stuff and not be triggered by the smallest things. I think it's more the backlash I'm worried about from, you know, family.
Speaker 1:It can be very hard for family to hear about experiences and pain and trauma and things that occurred. I think that most parents, you know they want to protect their kids and when they can't fully or don't or don't do things the right way, it can be very, very challenging and hurtful to hear.
Speaker 2:Yeah, so I really want to get into the end of my testimony so far, because God is constantly adding to it. About two years ago, well, me and my ex-husband had started having some issues and he was just always very, very stubborn. And about 2018, I was having health issues and found out that I was diagnosed with celiacs, and that's where my body will not process gluten, so I'd already started paying attention to some of the things that I ate. He had been to the doctor and the reason I said the stubborn because I gave him an ultimatum Like he just was so miserable and just not pleasant to be around that he either needed to go to the doctor or I was, you know, going to have to leave. And he did and found out that he had low testosterone, and so that was um, that was kind of hard.
Speaker 2:We were 10 years married at that point and we just had to learn to like fall back in love with each other and to date each other and do all these things. And I had started going to church with the kids before, and every time that we did, he didn't, and I would just continuously pray that he would go. He didn't, and I would just continuously pray that he would go and one day he just did. He joined us and you know we got to go as a family and started wanting to do more things as a family and with the kids and you know it was really nice. But we started having some issues. He experienced depression and, um, I know that that mental health is so serious and so hard for men and I can empathize and sympathize with that, but it just led to a lot of negative behavior. I want to say it was not physical, um, I don't want anybody to think anything like that, although there were times I was a little scared, but we'll keep on. He was just very tortured and did not treat me the best and it just left me to a point that I felt so broken. See, the last time that I tried to commit suicide I had my son and I knew that I was getting in that mindset and so I went and saw a counselor. But there's so many more resources that really need to go towards mental health and the world. It's just really not as important as it should be and I just felt like medication wasn't helping me. I just felt so hopeless and you know, ever since being a little girl, all I had ever wanted was to be a wife and a mom. You know, growing up in the church and everything else and being as maternal as I am. And I just I thought you know what? Here's my son, he's with my parents, he's going to be taken care of.
Speaker 2:I went to a therapy session, you know. Her question was do you have any feelings of hurting yourself? And I said no, because I knew that's what I wanted. And I ended up going to where I was staying and taking whatever medication that I could find through there. That it was just like PTSD and a lot of things can mimic, uh, other disorders. Whatever helps when, um, you have PTSD. So, um, like I know I had Klonopin and Trazodone. Those were some of the ones you know that I had and took and I don't know, literally just whatever I find. There's Tylenol in there, whatever.
Speaker 2:And I I was completely at peace with being able to go and I laid down, I had written a note, I laid down and I even fell asleep and I'm telling you it was so painful. I felt like my heart was ripping out of my chest. I mean it was painful, was ripping out of my chest, I mean it was painful and I was found and I went to the hospital and I was out of it, but I was coherent enough to have my stomach pumped which I mean to not have to have my stomach pumped I could drink the charcoal and I just I knew at that moment, with everything that I had been through and the many times that I had tried to take my life, that God was telling me right then and there that I may not know what my purpose in life is, but that I had one. And so I made a promise to him. That day. I said, god, you know I don't know what my purpose is, but you're telling me I have one and I promise I will never try this again.
Speaker 2:And so in my marriage especially being Christian and I mean loving someone so much and having a family with them it was just, it was hard to let go. I remember actually like praying over him out loud so many times, taking communion together, whatever else, and just saying these prayers and not understanding why God wasn't answering them. And then one day I was coming home from church and I was at the stoplight and I just remember having this thought of what would happen if I let my foot off this break and being self-aware, I knew right then and there that I couldn't do it anymore, that I was just completely broken and that if I didn't make some changes, I was going to break that promise to God. And you know, I wanted to live for him, but I wanted to live for my kids as well. And you know, I wanted to live for him but I wanted to live for my kids as well. And so I just feel like God gave me a thing like here's your checklist, go do this, this, this.
Speaker 2:And there was a program with my church called Regeneration and I didn't know a whole lot before. I had wanted to start it when I was still married and my ex-husband was against it, and so I waited until we did a trial separation and started it and basically it helped me to start putting God first. Part of that is an inventory. I mean it brought up things that I didn't even know I carried with me, helped me see patterns. You know like I would notice certain stuff would happen and I would self-isolate. So even going through that, when I'd see that, I would make myself like go out and do something Like you can't do this. You got to grow from this.
Speaker 2:Anytime that you're in any kind of abusive, toxic relationship, whatever else, you just have a negative mindset. And so anytime that something negative would go through my mind or I would say something negative, I would counteract it with a positive. And I just kept doing that until one day it was all positive. And you know, not only did I truly find myself, what made me happy um, before I was not okay being alone, not meaning that I had to date somebody, cause there was times that I went periods of time without dating someone, but meaning like I wouldn't go out and do things by myself. It was just, I don't know, something I felt uncomfortable with doing and from having PTSD and you know the traumas of all the things that happened to me. The hardest thing at first was sleeping alone. You know it's dark, you're used to somebody being there, the warmth, whatever else, but my dogs were my saving grace for that, to be honest. But my dogs were my saving grace for that, to be honest. They would just come up, love on me, I'd get their body heat, but they just helped me through. And all this, putting God first and just working through all these things, it just felt like I went through, in essence, a spiritual awakening, and I felt like he gave me such discernment and insight and grace, the grace that he gave me.
Speaker 2:And in this program I was having a little bit of issues with my leader and I think it was like lack of communication, communication, but I remember us sitting down to do like a one-on-one and us talking and her saying like I don't know if you've even gotten anything out of this program, and I started to react, you know, because that's our first nature, right, and my brain was like no, like it doesn't matter if she sees it, other people have seen it because they continuously told me like I could see it and that's all that mattered. And in that moment I say discernment because I was able to not take offense to that and see her for the hurt that she was going through, like God helped me to be able to see her through his eyes, to see her through his eyes, and I was just able to implement it from there on out and I was just so thankful because, like you hit you almost hit like a different level of maturity, but you're able to have so much peace and it was a huge part of being able to honestly forgive my ex-husband and throughout it all, I just continuously put my kids first. You know, that was what was most important. I did not have boundaries before. I was codependent, I was a people pleaser and I was able to break all those habits. You know, like I said, my relationship had not always been great with my parents and by setting those boundaries I taught them what I would and wouldn't accept and all of our relationships are so much stronger now because of it. And God's just continued to put so many people in my life and for me to help. You know, there's things I learned from them, there's things they learned from me, but it's just to see my hand in it all and I have.
Speaker 2:I'm humble and I know I do a lot of things. But being humble and not talking about them, sometimes you forget or you don't always see it, and so on my fridge I have cards and notes from my pastor and just all these things for thank yous for different stuff that I've done. And so you know we're human and there's times that you know those voices get in my head and I don't feel as confident or whatever else, and I just go look at that fridge and that's that tangible thing. That's like look at everything that you've done and he's allowed you to do and he's used you for. And so when I wake up in the morning and I'm not good about it all the time, I just thank him for waking up and tell him to use me however he sees fit.
Speaker 2:And a huge part for people that are struggling with connecting with God is there's so many times that when you're doing well, you don't because you don't technically need him, and people tell me all the time oh, I don't have time to pray. You can pray on your way to work out, in your car, you can pray in your shower, you can pray at any point given in time. The thing is is we're conditioned from young children to pray when we go to bed. But what happens? You're tired. You either fall asleep or you rush through it because you're tired and you want to go to sleep. So it's being more mindful, more intentional and you know also going through it. Sometimes all you can see is the despair and you want more than anything to be able to just get it over with.
Speaker 2:I remember crying to God, snot pouring out of my face, just I don't want to feel this anymore, and realizing later on, once I was through it, that I had to feel it to get through it, and ways that he helped me too is there was people from my church that would just give me a little word of encouragement. Or there was a young lady that I started mentoring. There was people from my church that would just give me a little word of encouragement. Or there was a young lady that I started mentoring that has autism and I just helped her in a lot of ways and people would notice that and say different things that just helped me to continue on my path or helped me to be able to push myself out of that comfort zone and do that thing that was so hard to me. And so now, in ways that I feel God using me for my purpose is he wants me to get my story out there. So I'm trying to write a book on that, doing this podcast. That's a huge thing because, although I've given parts of my testimony to people, I've never sat down and given it out put together for one, but in this way, with such detail and where it has a potential to reach a large audience, even though I feel like God has wanted me to. God has wanted me to Because in the past I had things put on my heart and even if I didn't feel like I could do it, I still tried because I knew that that's what God wanted me to do and it always worked out for my good. I continuously try to answer that call and earlier this year I wrote a Christian song which is way out of my wheelhouse. I've written poetry, but never just, and I just heard a melody in my head. That was it. That's what inspired me to sit down and put these words together.
Speaker 2:And I have a friend. We do life groups on Sundays, like a small group, a bunch of families or kids. We eat, have fellowship and then do a study. And she decided to do a worship night on Halloween night to give people an alternative of something to come to. And so I went and she encouraged me to get up and sing in front of everybody. Now, mind you, I haven't sang in front of people since I was in elementary school and I had I don't remember ever personally using a microphone, but I just I felt God putting it on me and even though I was so nervous and shaking, I was able to get up there and, you know, sing this song, and everyone just loved it and was so encouraging. And there was a lady there that was a voice coach for the woman's daughter, and so I actually signed up to do voice lessons because I don't remember how to use my diaphragm or different things to help with the skill set, you know and she come to find out she actually produces music, and so this is something that I'll end up doing later on to bring it to life, but I feel I've always admired people being on stage for worship and I feel like God wants me up there and that's. That's scary. That's not going to be an overnight thing like I definitely need to get more comfortable.
Speaker 2:But there is a festival whatever you want to call it, it's called Jingle Jam. That's going to be in Aynor. They'll have a bunch of vendors and things in the park and a parade and anyone can sign up to sing or perform, and I signed up because I knew. I knew if I didn't, that I would chicken out of it. Yeah, and it was just. You know, it was definitely very important and I wanted to be obedient, and so my advice to anyone continuously talk to him. It doesn't matter what you're going through, it doesn't matter what you've done, no matter what, he wants a relationship with you. He's there and I promise if you're just quiet and still long enough, you'll feel them and pay attention to the people that he puts in your life. Continuously encourage people. I can't tell you how going through that was so hard, but to have someone you know, even say God uses you more than you realize.
Speaker 1:You know, those are things that still go through my head on bad days now. Yeah, yeah, absolutely. What an incredible journey you have been on that. You have been through all of this and at the other side there is hope and there is forgiveness and there is growth. And I'm so glad that you mentioned regeneration. So I've taken Re-Engage, which is the marriage class by the same folks, and they had regeneration for the first time at my church about, I want to say, like eight months ago. They just brought regeneration to our church. So definitely, if you're listening and have any struggles whether it's with trauma, addiction, anything at all that you need to bring to the Lord, I definitely recommend looking into regen and churches that offer it in your area.
Speaker 2:We have re-engage as well. I'm actually the session that they're going through right now. I help with the childcare oh nice, yes, great. But what I also want to add to that is going through regeneration. It just helped me realize that I, since I felt like such a big part of me was missing, and my sister, which I do have her tattooed on my shoulder as well. I didn't realize it, but I was looking for somebody to come in and rescue me. Basically, you know where's my person, where's that white knight, whatever else? And in finding that relationship back with God, I realized that he was like, if you just give it all to me, I'll help you rescue yourself. And he did. And it's just that simple of putting him first. And once you do, just so many things in your life fall into place, including the people that are meant to be there.
Speaker 1:Yeah, absolutely Absolutely. There's a lot too we didn't dive too deeply into. We've mentioned spiritual warfare and talking about moments. I could hear that woven throughout your story many times and it sounds like something that has been generational, being that you know the experience with your parents and all of that. We don't have to get into that. But, what I also am hearing from you is that you are breaking that cycle now.
Speaker 1:You are working to break that cycle with your children and, hopefully, having these discussions with your children about moments in time where the enemy was after you. The enemy was after your family, and we can see that, obviously, in what happened with your sister, that he got to her and with you, that he tried to get to you so many times, so many times that you were at the end of your rope, where you were like I'm just ending all of this, but the Lord didn't allow that to happen, because you're supposed to be here today to share your testimony of surviving through all of this and yet still there is more to come, and I think that that's beautiful.
Speaker 2:And I have, so it's. I can look at all these different ways and it's just like they're puzzle pieces and they connect. And even now I get to be involved with this amazing nonprofit and do child care for them, for their parenting classes that they have, and just volunteer other ways for them. I've done several fundraisers for them and you know that allows me. I mentor young mom with special needs and her baby's special needs and I've always had a heart and passion for that because I have worked with different people with disabilities but I have the patience for it and the love and so just being able to use the gifts that he's given me to be that stable person in other people's children's lives Because I'm not saying that someone else may not be stable. What I'm saying is, if your child has a loving environment with you and you're going to something like re-engage or Sunday school or whatever else, don't you want somebody that's also going to love on them and speak positive words and life into them as well?
Speaker 1:Yeah, absolutely. You know. It's funny that you say that when my husband and I did re-engage, which was about a year and a half ago, our daughter loved that session even more than Sunday church and she used to ask all the time are we going to night church or morning church? Because I want to go to night church. She liked the re-engage nights a lot and the staff that was there not that she doesn't like Sunday also, but I think she just enjoyed the structure of that, the other kids that were there and everything.
Speaker 1:So you're right, it is very important to have staff around that is, that are pouring into the kids too, whether it's for parents or, you know, mothers or fathers that are in regeneration or in re-engage. Those parents are going through something and it's important for the kids to have people to love on them too as they're going through it too. They're with us, alongside us, in this journey of what we're going through and the healing that we are going through. So that's beautiful that you're a part of that. I love it. Well, was there anything else that you wanted to pass along to guests?
Speaker 2:Yes, and all I want to say is by putting my kids first, through all that, I just made sure to be more intentional with my children. I felt like God had kind of left our house and so I would get up in the mornings, I would sit down, I would do a devotional, I would maybe have some worship music playing and that's what they woke up to as they got ready for school. You know, that's something that they saw. And my oldest son I remember checking the mail and he had this devotional that came in and it was neat. It was something to do with like film and movies and stuff like that, so it was something for his interest.
Speaker 2:But just to see that I was having that influence on them and even through their dad, their dad ended up going and being a leader with their youth group to be able to spend more time with them and I would always encourage them to sit with him at church because I knew where my heart was and I get all these chances at home to be able to pray out loud and everything else which we do, and so I wanted to kind of give him that. And you know, sometimes now it's hard because I want obviously my babies to sit with me. But it's so neat to watch the way that God has worked in that, to where they go and take communion with their dad and he prays out loud now with them. And your boys are big now. They just turned 17 last week, wow, and my oldest is 21. Yeah, wow, yeah, oldest is 21. Yeah, wow, yeah. I think you're not ready for any of that.
Speaker 2:No, you know I'm not, and it's funny because I've been focused on all these other things, which is great, but it kept me busy and now things are like slow and they're not that, and it's like now what do I do? Yep.
Speaker 1:Yep, I hear you. I have little kids right now and everybody says slow down because it goes by fast. And I feel it, I, I definitely feel it. But it's hard because you get wrapped up in everything in life.
Speaker 2:Yep.
Speaker 1:Well, that's encouraging. Rachel, thank you so much for joining me today and for sharing your testimony. I know that this is going to touch so many hearts and so many minds and just provide hope and a path for healing. So, thank you, thank you for joining me today.
Speaker 2:You're welcome and I hope that the biggest takeaway for everyone is if you change your perception which I know is hard when you are just feel like your world's ending and nothing's working.
Speaker 2:For instance, even with my marriage, when things were good with us, I still felt an emptiness inside because I didn't realize that that emptiness was from not having Jesus there.
Speaker 2:Not that I didn't believe, I didn't go to church, I didn't pray but I wasn't putting him first, I wasn't fully committing to him. And I tell people all the time now that I don't just want Jesus in my life, I need him in my life. And so, trying to change that perspective, throughout my entire testimony I also not only told you about the bad things that happened to me, but the good things. But the good things, the way that I could see God's hand was in that negative thing, and so that also helped point me to him, because I realized that in my hardest moments, when I couldn't always see that he was there, he was. So it doesn't matter what you've been through, it doesn't matter what you've been done. You have a voice. You have a voice. You have a story. It's important, and you never know who needs to hear it. So be bold and find that courage and strength through him.
Speaker 1:Beautifully said Awesome. Well, thank you again. You're welcome. Thank you everyone for tuning in and for listening and being on this journey with us. If you'd like to follow along outside the podcast, you can join the mission on Instagram at the Radiant Mission, or on Facebook at the Radiant Mission Podcast, and if you're not already watching this on YouTube, you can do so, and you can find that by searching for the Radiant Mission or my name, rebecca Toomey. And today we are going to close with Psalm 46, 5. Rachel shared this verse as her favorite verse and mentioned through her healing, this verse empowered her to believe in herself as a daughter of God, and that verse is if God is within her, she will not fail. We are wishing you a radiant week and we'll see you next time. Bye, everyone.
