The Radiant Mission
The Radiant Mission
122. Divorce, Childhood Trauma, and Generational Curses: Mary’s Story of Spiritual Warfare and Resilience
Mary shares her gripping testimony about navigating trauma, anxiety, and addiction rooted in childhood experiences, particularly stemming from her parent’s divorce and spiritual warfare. The conversation emphasizes the impact of family dynamics on children's mental health, the importance of faith in healing, and the transformative power of forgiveness.
• Mary’s upbringing: a blend of faith and isolation
• Transitioning from homeschooling to public school and facing trauma
• Early signs of sexual confusion and anxiety stemming from trauma
• The impact of divorce on children’s emotional well-being
• Spiritual warfare’s role in shaping childhood experiences
• The importance of forgiveness for personal healing
• Finding strength and identity through faith in God
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Hello and welcome to the Radiant Mission podcast. My name is Rebecca Toomey and we are on a mission to encourage and inspire you as you're navigating through your life and with your relationship with Christ. We've been in a series on being countercultural in a secular world and today I welcome a very special guest who has so graciously agreed to share her testimony today. Her name is Mary Corona and we will be diving into a topic we haven't really yet explored and that is with sex and sex addiction, anxiety, divorce, spiritual warfare and spiritual attacks and some more things. There'll be some surprises along the way, I'm sure, but, mary, thank you so much for being here and for being willing and open and vulnerable to share your testimony.
Speaker 1:Thank you for having me All right, so we'll dive right in. Can you just start by sharing a little bit about your background? How did you grow up, you know, were you raised in the faith, and then how did things progress as you've gone through your life?
Speaker 2:So, yes, in my childhood we were raised in the faith. We were raised with Jesus Christ, the Holy Spirit, god, and, but we were like a Sunday church family. So they encouraged us at home, but we didn't really do anything outside of like Sunday churches, as far as any get togethers or anything like that. We were really sheltered as children, very helicopter parenty as far as like what not to watch you know who to be around, um, and we didn't go to public school we were, so we just stayed at home. So we were homeschooled. Yes, okay, me too. Yeah, I, I usually go into that as we get more into the story as well with me. So I would say we were supposed to be homeschooled but there was never any materials given. So for many years I was lacking in education.
Speaker 1:Oh, interesting. Okay, so there wasn't schooling actually going on for a period of time.
Speaker 2:Yes, at the time it was, I think it was a money thing. At the time my dad was petrified of public schools. He felt like they just were not. I guess, and especially nowadays I understand kind of the perspective. But the problem was, is, I guess, not really liking the government? I would put it plainly. But I don't know if it was a money thing really or anything. But yeah, we didn't have materials for schooling for many years.
Speaker 1:So it sounds like he knew that the public school system was corrupt, so to speak, and not going to teach you guys the best things. But then also you, your parents, weren't equipped with the right tools and the right things to really jump into homeschooling at first. Now, did that change over the years? Did it get better, or change over the years?
Speaker 2:Did it get better or Um? So, um, we're going to jump on it cause I feel like we'll jump around. But basically um went right before my parents' divorce at some point, uh, when I was around 11, we had moved, um, we lived in Ohio, originally moved to Arizona and about a year living in Arizona my dad did get us homeschooling. So around 11, I was starting my first grade education, yes, and then I don't even think we were living there a year and my parents broke the news they were divorcing and so after that, only a few days after um the divorce, my dad um took me and my sister live with him and his girlfriend. So from then on, with the divorce custody, I will plainly say that I think he was trying to look good for the courts and put in, kind of just threw us in public school. Okay, I think he was trying to look good for the courts and kind of just threw us in public school.
Speaker 2:And that wasn't a culture shock, because my dad apparently just didn't understand how much of an education I was lacking because he put me right in fifth grade. Yes, it was a big culture shock because you know how in schools, you can feel at school out for a day. You know how, in schools, you can feel at school out for a day. Well, they sat me in the class and they were doing a pop quiz and we were all in our little cubicles and I'm looking down at this paper and I'm like I got sober when I started crying and freaking out. I was like I need to call, like my dad. I don't know what I'm looking at.
Speaker 1:It was multiplication and division wow, I was gonna say did you know how to, or ask? Did you know how to or ask? Did you know how to read?
Speaker 2:yet, I did know how to read, so we kind of had like the phonics part. That was like really the only thing we had was phonics and I don't really I think just over time, just kind of with my mom, got the reading part and writing, that's good, that's good.
Speaker 1:But math, you were like what is this? Is this a foreign language?
Speaker 2:Yes, so yeah, it was my, and it was just crazy. I guess he was just so out of the loop because he was like in shock that I didn't know. I'm like, yeah, yeah, so from then on we went into a public school but I had to sit into like the back with like kids that need more attention and literally like crash course me on like first through, like fifth grade, on like oh, did I mention it was only the last two months of fifth grade?
Speaker 1:No, oh no. That sounds very intimidating, and so, on top of the educational part, you also had been pretty sheltered from being around other kids. That was probably fifth grade. That's a very transitional time for kids too, because they're like starting to learn about their bodies and all that kind of stuff as they're about to go into middle school. How was that? Yeah?
Speaker 2:It was a, it was very I don't know how to say. I feel like with how I was sheltered. I felt like I was a little at the time a little, a little less mature for that age, I don't know like a little more, like so it was kind of more not really sure how to interact with kids. In certain ways, like so I made friends, but at the same time I felt like I was not fully socially aware on certain things on how to behave around kids. At the same time, I think you just like the awkward situations of just being an awkward kid.
Speaker 1:Yeah, Did you have friends outside of this? So before you were thrown into the situation, did you have friends from from your neighborhood or from church or anything like that?
Speaker 2:No, we really isolated ourselves. My parents really kept things very private, so I would call them like church friends. You know the kids you get excited to see on Sunday, but you'd never talk to them outside of church or hang outside of church or anything. It's just during those few hours on Sunday service. Wow, yeah, I had a younger sibling who was three years younger, and that was like my best friend for many years yeah, oh, my goodness.
Speaker 1:Well, I'm curious to hear more about how this kind of goes into your story, so I'll let you take back over and take us where you want to go.
Speaker 2:Um and so much to like go around with yeah.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:Um, well, on that topic with being sheltered, I was saying um, and just being the, how we lived and everything we can kind of touch on, like how less kind of got brought in for me. Um, because at a very young age age I want to say about six or seven, um, it's so like weird to talk about out loud because I've never talked about it. But around that age I started to um, get into. I don't know how to say pleasuring myself, I guess is how I would say it, but I didn't know how to say it. Pleasuring myself, I guess is how I would say it, but I didn't know what I was doing either. It was just something randomly that came up for me and I don't remember how I discovered it or what happened. I wasn't exposed to anything like that as a child, like no movies or shows or anything like that.
Speaker 2:But, I didn't know at all what it was that I was doing, because it wasn't just a traditional way.
Speaker 2:I don't want to be explicit on anything, sure so so, but it was so innocent to the fact that I literally like my sister would spend the night read a story to me and she would spend the night in the room and I would just be in the bed in the doing and she like caught me doing and she was like stop that. And I was like oh okay, like no idea what it is, you know like just innocently finding it out.
Speaker 2:So, and at one point after that it started to make me wonder like this is wrong like am I not supposed to do this, especially like growing up with it, like am I like in a little kid mind like is this wrong? So I actually at one point went to talk to my mom about it. But my mom is very, um, awkward about things like that, so for her she was too uncomfortable with the conversation. So I'm like I think what I'm not doing is right, like basically telling her this, what I'm doing, but I don't really know how to explain it because I don't quite know what I'm doing, but I know it feels good. And so I think my mom pretty much kind of just told me like well, I kind of remember now in this, like how comfortable she was.
Speaker 2:She's like, well, it's okay and I'm just pray to Jesus and I'm just like okay, but it doesn't really solve the situation because I don't know what's going on. You know, so I can do that, but it doesn't really get to the root issue of what's causing that. You know, so, um, so that didn't stop and I think it honestly just got worse as I got older. Um, just like the feeling and the need for it, so, um, that really just kind of continue on throughout the years and then, as things progress with, like the divorce and everything, then things kind of went um more into that direction. So I'm trying not to be too long, I don't know how, like I don't know, no, no, no, you, you take your time as long as you need, okay um, so that's um.
Speaker 2:another thing on it with the whole with my mom thing because I even talked to her about this you know, is something I've learned is that, as parents, there's so much spiritual warfare that you have to battle against for your kids because it comes. There's so many generational curses that can attach on through your bloodline and if you don't patch it or if you're not consistently paying attention to praying, I feel like you have to be able to be comfortable, being uncomfortable in order to battle these things Absolutely. Yeah, cause I feel like if there was and it's not that my mom's a problem, I just she didn't know any better. You know she didn't have those resources or that foundation. So it's just something I keep in mind for myself. When I have children, you know, is we gotta be able to teach them how to battle these things themselves and ourselves for them.
Speaker 1:That's an interesting question to pose, to Do you feel or have you discovered that there may have been any sort of attachment to either of your parents with that realm of stuff? So whether it was sexuality or pornography, or you know that spirit, you know, and was that something that you feel was passed from one of your parents' bloodlines?
Speaker 2:Yeah, absolutely. I know for sure. On my dad's side of the family there was a lot of lust and sexual morality and my dad I feel like he wanted to go on the right path, but I feel like he suffered too, Because I know my dad was not faithful like you should have been to my mom, was not faithful like you should have been to my mom. So I absolutely feel like when you're exposing yourself to these things, you are exposing them to your household and your children. So I definitely believe that.
Speaker 1:Yeah, definitely it's interesting. This has been a topic you know, spiritual warfare that we've been talking about on the podcast quite a bit, and last week we talked about children a little bit and how to pray over our children and protection for our children. And it is such an important thing as mothers that we speak life and we speak over some of this stuff, because until they can make decisions for themselves, until they can decide or know, or have the discernment to know whether they have something dark or a spirit attached to them, it's really up to us to say anything that's of darkness, that's here, you don't belong here. This child belongs to God and belongs to me, and we do have the power to say that in the name of Jesus, and we do have the power to say that in the name of Jesus. But as far as deliverance goes, I've been taking this spiritual warfare class where she talks about when it comes to deliverance. You don't do deliverance on children if they're not aware. Someone has to decide and make that decision.
Speaker 1:But we do have the authority to pray over our children and to speak over those negative forces on behalf of our young children. So it's just, this is a great topic that you're bringing up for us especially, lots and lots of our listeners are moms, and I think that it's something that we need to be aware of and we need to have an awareness about, and we are specifically talking about the spirit of lust, like we've said, but this applies to other spirits too Children that are growing up in homes where there's alcohol, where there is that dark, angry spirit or other types of substance abuse or issues. We are opening doors. Yeah, anxiety, that's a great example.
Speaker 2:Yeah, definitely, absolutely. Yeah, I 100% agree and I'm glad it's being talked about. It really needs to like and cause, I think, the more awareness we have of just how everything it says in the Bible we don't wrestle against flesh and blood, we wrestle in the spirit, and it's so true, and we're in a time where everything is so heavy and attacks in the spirit right now. And it's so important to put that armor on and just go to war for you and your family.
Speaker 1:Absolutely. I want you to keep going because there's so much more to your story. But I definitely am curious about the why too. You know, like we opened the door the we as parents. So it sounds like there's probably something generational opening that door and that there was something, a dark spirit, coming after you specifically. But we have to. I have to wonder like why, why, why do these spirits do this to? I'm rhetorical, right. Why would they do this to a young child and confuse a little girl? And I'm sure it's just to set you up for confusion and set you up on a wrong path. But I'll let you jump in and kind of keep going.
Speaker 2:Yeah, well, I 100% believe. Like, children are always the next generation and they are also God's most precious jewels, you know, and the devil wants to fumble any generation that's going to come up and rise up this army of the God, of God, right? So I don't have to believe. That's why children are just being so heavily targeted these days absolutely.
Speaker 1:I mean, if we're just even going to talk about pornography for a second, the readily availableness of pornography to children is insane. I mean, any kid at any age could pick up an iPhone and look up anything, and if that phone has no protection on it which most phones if they're picking up their parents' phone, it's not going to. That phone has no protection on it, which most phones if they're picking up their parents' phone it's not going to. You know these young boys it's, and girls too. But you know these young boys. You hear they get exposed to some. They see something at age seven, eight, nine and then they it.
Speaker 1:they keep coming back to it and keep coming back to it, and then it becomes something much bigger. So, yeah, we, we are certainly under attack. And then what does that result in, and especially for boys? This confusion about what sexuality or what sex should be between them and a woman. They're not able to actually see what the sexual relationship between them and their wife should be because they have all these wacky ideas now yeah, absolutely.
Speaker 2:It confuses them, like it's just a warped image of what it should be yeah, yeah.
Speaker 1:So take us back. You know, you went to your mom and she's kind of like, just try not to do that, basically yeah, and then did you continue to kind of have that struggle and did it progress into something more.
Speaker 2:Yes, it absolutely did, Because it just as a child, it's just really like I feel like you're so young to not really have that full connection. I was raised oh, love Jesus, but there wasn't a lot of firm foundation on how to. I know some of the Bible as a child, but not old enough to really comprehend all of that. So, yeah, it was just a consistent thing for me because I couldn't resist what was going on. It was just something that was there that I couldn't stop on. It was just something that was there that I couldn't stop. Um and um. So that's where that part is.
Speaker 2:And anxiety hit me at a young age as well. Um. So when I was really young, I remember I used to love being involved in the church and doing shows and everything, and I love to sing and I would sing all the time and one day, just during church, I like shut down, I couldn't, I had, was so scared to do anything like, and I was just during church I like shut down, I couldn't, I had, was so scared to do anything like. And I was young like I thought honestly, think about probably the same age that that started was when I just started being worried about how I looked at others, like I didn't want to raise my hands in worship or clap, I just kind of wanted to shrink away and not be seen. And it just kind of got worse as I got older.
Speaker 1:wow, yeah um, that does sound like a spiritual attack, doesn't it? It's like come after you with confusion. Confusion cause this anxiety that's preventing you from praising the lord.
Speaker 2:It's interesting yeah, um, I was a lot at once and I don't know that you did that. Yeah, it does sound like that was just a lot from the end of me all at once, especially for a little kid. Yeah, it was confusing for my dad and my dad is not really good with emotional stuff, so really he would just kind of like get after me for being shy in a way. So it was kind of like I felt like I was wrong for being so trapped up, but he wasn't really necessarily helping me either. Um, just a lot of not knowing how to do things, I think, um, but so that's kind of how life was going then. Um, and eventually that's when we get to the moving part of my parents, to the moving part and the divorce and everything. My parents I always knew they fought a lot. They didn't get along, but in your mind as a kid you're like you don't even think about them splitting up that young After moving to Arizona after that, when they did the divorce, it was literally only a few days after they broke it down.
Speaker 2:We were getting divorced and my dad came up to me and my sibling. They were like, hey, you're going to come with me with a friend. She's got a big house. We're going to just have you there for a bit while your mom gets settled in. Your mom will take you back with y'all. Wow, so the woman lived about like six hours away from where we were living. I want to say somewhere around that. I can't remember completely, but at max.
Speaker 1:Yeah, as far Wasn't that close.
Speaker 2:Yeah, so yeah, come to find out out definitely was his girlfriend that we moved into. Um, she had a daughter a year older than me.
Speaker 2:Um, and it was very much like we were expected just to be okay with everything so yeah, so I'm 11 and my younger sibling at the time was like six, seven, so three years apart, so I feel like that roughly sounds right. Um, so yeah, it was a culture shock for that itself. Like you, one minute, are told your parents are divorcing, the next you're seeing your dad smack the butt of a woman around a house.
Speaker 2:Like so just no, like just the audacity to like not have any sort of competition of how your kids are handling this yeah so yeah, so that was hard and the whole entire time it was kind of like we were just walking on eggshells the whole time, like as if we were messing up something for him, basically Like he was always after us, like about anything, like any things that didn't even need to be gone after, like if I was up early in the morning I wasn't used to waking up early he said I looked mad and I needed to change my face, like he it was just everything and it was basically anything he felt like that was going to upset her.
Speaker 2:So there wasn't really a regard to how emotionally traumatizing a situation like that is. They were trying to, at one point, put us into like a therapy for like divorce, like which it was like a church therapy thing where everyone gets together, and that we only went like one time for that thing where everyone gets together and that we only went like one time for that. So, and then the whole school thing and during the whole time, um, it turned. So basically the background that I learned growing up was that he told my mom that he was going to help take care of us while she settled herself down um, with my cousin in tex so her niece, but then in the end he wanted to turn around and try to take custody of us from her.
Speaker 2:So that was him filing custody for us against her and putting us in school, trying to look like a good dad and everything.
Speaker 1:Why was it that he wanted to do that? I'm just curious, because most dads understand the importance of their daughters being with their mother. Do you know what motivated him to feel like he wanted custody?
Speaker 2:I, I don't know with my dad. It's the odd thing and that's why I really won't understand why he did what he did, because he really pulled the wool over my mom's eyes. He really tricked her into doing this because he lied to her. He told her like you know, you can have the kids, we'll set it up, I'll come visit. Blah, blah, blah like. But no, that was the whole thing.
Speaker 2:He pulled the wool from under her, like basically he lied to her on that and then, um, surprised her with going to file for custody for us. So I can't tell. I can't tell his motivations, especially because the whole time it just felt like we were annoying him, like it felt like I know he loved us. But there was, we were just walking on eggshells all the time like just like there were good moments, but then there were a lot of like getting after us and there, and there was a lot to unlearn too, because we had bad habits, of course as well from how we grew up, Because my mom suffered a lot of depression so because of the situation she was in and she wasn't happy. So there was a lot of like lack of hygiene habits that we weren't raised with. So there was getting in that, you know, and we needed that.
Speaker 1:So there was getting in that you know and we needed, but just anything as far as like anything behavioral. It wasn't really a conversation, it was just getting after us and it's kind of not understanding that situations like that is going to be behavioral, because there's so much that you're not getting to talk about. You're just got a lot of emotions inside and you can't feel like we can talk to you. And was your mom home with you guys before this? Like, was she a stay at home mom or did she work? She was a stay at home mom, wow. So that's a big change to her life. She has just been shaken up that she used to stay at home with her kids and then now I'm sure she had to get a job or something. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Speaker 2:How did she?
Speaker 1:do during all of this? How was her emotional state during this whole process?
Speaker 2:Oh, it was awful, especially because during the whole time, our dad was brainwashing us to hate our mom. He kept telling us all these different things about her, like, basically hate her. He told us that the woman he was with was supposed to be our mother. So, like, and he literally and this is the problem with it and I he did, I feel like, spiritually grow from this later on, but this is how bad it was at the point is that he was like, oh, this is who god was supposed to have be your mother. That's literally what he told us.
Speaker 2:Yeah, like and it's just, and he would like she sent a birthday card for me and it was something like, oh, and god loves you so much and I love you just as much as him. Just something sweet. And he was like, you see that she's like something like being a. She's doing something wrong right there, because no one can ever love you as much as God, like anything to just kind of twist, like to show her in a bad light. And it was just, it was bad and it did and it happened. There was such a point where, yeah, I was me and my sister really had anger to our mom Unrightfully. So anger to our mom, unrightfully so, but it was just the way he manipulated everything and talked about her, just because he wanted us to want to be with him.
Speaker 1:Sure he wanted the favor. And this is such a huge issue and problem with divorce, right, this happens a lot where parents pit each other, pit the other one against each other, especially when there are custody battles and things like that. You know there can be a lot of. Well, this person is this way and it's very sad. And it is an example of the enemy getting what he wanted because he hates marriage, he hates what God has designed, so first he destroys it designed, so first he destroys it, and then now he's getting in folks ears with the negativity and continuing that and now it's damaging. It's literally damaging the family, right, because now you have a damaged relationship with your mom. Your dad is overwhelmed because he's in this new situation trying to, you know, make things perfect for this new lady, and both of them are not the best loving versions of themselves. Just kind of, now you are an impressionable child in the middle of this.
Speaker 1:So I hope that those that are listening that this can be of some lesson learning or encouragement to those that are considering going through this or are maybe going through this. You know divorce does happen, but if it does, it'd be the best version about it. You know, I don't I don't know how else to say that. Um, you and I met in the biblical tea Facebook group and there are a lot, a lot of threads about divorce, or should I get divorced, and I love that there are real biblical women in there saying unless there's adultery, no, work it out. Get it, you know, or the husband is an unbeliever. Get it together. Approach this from a biblical perspective. So I don't want this to sound like I'm promoting divorce by any means. What I'm trying to point out here is look at the damage that it does, look at what it can do to a child. You went through this. This is your life, and not only did it hurt you and your sibling, but your mother and, I'm sure, your relationship with your father in the process.
Speaker 2:Oh yeah, I mean, and I have two older sisters too, and by the time this was happening, though, they were adults, staying in Ohio, but that was hard for them because they had to watch it all and watch the younger siblings go through this from a distance. I mean, at some point our dad was even restricting how much we were even talking to our sisters, so that was hard on them because they felt so like uninvolved, you know, like they couldn't really be as involved as like they wanted to with the situation, yeah, yeah.
Speaker 2:So, yeah, it was hard and it was. I was saying, um, well, I won't go on that part, but yeah, so it was a lot and it did and it really did affect mine and my dad's relationship. That was a big thing. And my mom did get custody of us and we did, yeah. So by the time so fifth grade ended, we were there in the summer and then, pretty much so about six months, we were living with them, and so by the time sixth grade started, um, she won custody, and so, at the time, though, I was so upset about it because by then I felt like I was where I was supposed to be, that the you know the good life, and I was, like, I was devastated, like it was bad how much my dad talked about mom, because I hated that I was going with her. You know, um, so sorry I think about that time and I get sad because I really, when I got there you know there was, it was so bad. I really treated my mom so awful at first and she didn't deserve it, but it's just because I had an impression of her just from everything.
Speaker 2:My dad told me that I was like wow. But eventually after a while my mom and me talked and basically she told everything about dad. So as an ending it was airing his dirty laundry out. But at the same time I did need to hear it. But I think at that point I was so like there were so many unresolved emotions about everything. I kind of was just angry at both of them because I was like I had the leftover feelings from dad. But then now I know everything about dad. I'm just like. I think I probably at that point if I could have had time to myself, I would have loved to have time for myself.
Speaker 1:That's a lot of heavy stuff to be handling and carrying, at 11 years old too.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and it was hard for my mom. She had a lot of bitterness for a long time. And our living situation. I was saying I will never not say that I'm grateful that we had a roof over our head, but our living situation was not. It wasn't peaceful, it was very toxic. And it's just because I'm grateful we had a place and they took my mom in at her lowest point. But her, her sister, had bipolar disorder and she was not on her medicine. So it was always a constant screaming. She would say the most vile, disgusting things. She was always threatening to kick us out. My mom and her were always fighting. It was just a really tough situation to constantly be in all the time because you never knew when it was going to be a good day or a bad day that's interesting about the bipolar part of it, because there's a lot of spiritual context to that too, right, absolutely?
Speaker 1:I agree 100 yeah, but that's tough, because now you've gone from this other spiritual turmoil to now you're in a new home and there's something else, you know another aspect to this from the spiritual realm, and that's you know that's can be spiritually related or spirit related.
Speaker 2:Yeah, it was so bad because for my mom, you know, my mom didn't have any friends herself. She literally just stopped working and taking care of us and sometimes she would work two jobs to support us, to take care of us and be comfortable. So you know, she was doing everything she could for us and at the same time, like she was just so tired because it is very draining with that, you know because it was oh yeah, so she didn't have friends and she never went out. But in the results of that, we kind of became like her outlet. So it was a constant talking about our dad and everything that happened and things that we probably shouldn't be unloaded on as children. But I understood why was and I always did because they were together 23 years and then all of a sudden to do that, you know she didn't have an outlet of anybody to talk to.
Speaker 2:Yeah, so yeah it was, it was a lot to deal with and at that point, you know, I felt like you don't really process all these emotions as a kid, you know. But looking back I can tell I had friends. But at the same time I do know that there was still attitude problems because there were so many unresolved things going on inside of me. So I didn't realize at one point until a friend pulled me aside and was telling me that I was being violent with them too much. Basically, like I didn't think sometimes you joke and you hit your friends and you're like, oh you know. But I guess I didn't realize I was like hitting them, hitting them.
Speaker 2:And I'm just like. I think you're doing something like that. So I feel like to me that was like it coming out in a way that I didn't realize. I was letting it out in a way that I didn't realize.
Speaker 1:I was letting it out in a way of.
Speaker 2:So yeah, it was a lot of feelings. I definitely feel like that stemmed a lot of how to say it. I definitely went through a lot of feeling like depressed a lot during that age too, because I started distancing myself from my dad as well. So all of those uh feelings definitely just kind of weighed heavy on me. I never really felt happy during those times like I felt happy with friends, but in the a lot of the times I just felt heavy. It was a lot of um.
Speaker 2:By the time seventh grade rolled around, I was just writing a lot of like dark and sad like poetry a lot. But things started to get better around high school. I started to get more mellowed out and how I was feeling, yeah I would say um. I made good friends at the time during high school and the years kind of went by. Um, I completely rejected my dad dad at that point and stopped contact with him. I did that the summer of sixth grade, going into seventh grade, just because a whole drama incident happened that he accused me of having an attitude when I didn't and I just basically told him like I'm not going to do this anymore with you. I had done nothing. So I didn't go with him for the summer and then from then we just stopped talking.
Speaker 2:So going into junior year of high school, I started having a lot of dreams about my dad and I had been talking more with my eldest sister and she had been keeping up a relationship with my dad and I had been talking more with my eldest sister and she had been keeping up a relationship with my dad at that point and I kind of was talking to her about it and I said I don't know. I was like I don't know why I'm suddenly having dreams of dad. I haven't really thought about him, you know, anytime with this. And she said well, do you think you want to talk to him? Cause I think one of my dreams might've been trying to get closure.
Speaker 2:I'm not sure it was so long ago. I said well, I said maybe it is time that we try to talk it out, you know, and see if we can't even get a little closure or something. So we did, I think she gave him my number and we set up a time to meet. I think it was possibly around my birthday, I don't know, but we went and we got something to eat and I told him everything of how I felt during that time, and I know it was. I feel like I don't remember that he necessarily apologized, but I felt like he listened to me and he acknowledged my feelings and I felt like that was enough for me.
Speaker 2:So we started then trying to rebuild our bond okay um, so um, during that point we started hanging out a lot. He got a job in my city at that time. He lived in Texas as well. I lived back in Texas but he was um hours away. But he got a job in the city I was in. So we spent more and more time together. We would go to church together. He really seemed like he was. He had changed a lot Like in his at that time. Now they got married, so my stepmom as well. So, yeah, and we were growing close together very much. So I was learning a lot more about God with him and getting deeper in faith with them.
Speaker 2:It was definitely not like how he was talking in the past so and it felt it felt right, it felt good. My mom was, of course, not really happy about it and that kind of caused some fights for us because we had kind of still struggled with fights over the years and I think that's just given the situation of where we were at. It was just so much going on. But we, you know, loved each other but obviously like much more than the any fights. She's my mom, but she, I think her she was scared I was gonna get hurt. So I think in her panic she just fought with me, so, so that wasn't really great and it was kind of a thing of like I love you both. And it was kind of a thing I'm telling my dad too.
Speaker 2:When we were hanging out during that time he would try to kind of talk about his side of stuff and I just told him, like we've touched on this, I love you both. This isn't choosing sides. I want to have you both in my life. I'm not. She's got her side of the story, you got your side of the story, yeah, and so at this time I think I was almost 18. So or I was already 18 or I was almost 18, but so yeah, so, um, that was kind of so. Basically, at that point, after about a year I think, we had been back in touch. They offered me to go live with them for my senior year, and the reason being is because at that age I wanted to do so much. I wanted to get my license already, I wanted to start working already, but I never had anybody to go and take me to do these things. I didn't know how to go do these things on my own.
Speaker 2:And just the whole kind of still a little over the sheltered expect of being scared to like go out by yourself and do stuff. So they were like you know, we want you to come live with us. You'll have your senior year. You know we'll help you get your license and help you get, like, learn how to drive. You know, that way you can save up, because I wanted to move out on my own as soon as senior year was over. They're like we're going to help you build to that. So I was like, okay, you know it sounds. I was like, yeah, like that sounds good.
Speaker 2:It felt right, you know, and I was scared to tell my mom and my cousin who I lived with as well, my um aunt's daughter and every, all of them, because they all just had a negative thing about my dad, which I understand given what happened. But so, yeah, so, um, uh, a fun fact on that when we packed up our the car to go move with them, I think we were going to meet them halfway and unload, but somehow in the middle of the night when we packed up the car, someone robbed, robbed the entire car, basically of my stuff. Wow, that's crazy. Yeah, I just remembered that. Yeah, literally the only thing they didn't take was I had a box of books so it was too heavy. And yeah, I literally only had clothes and a backpack I had for traveling.
Speaker 1:Wow, that's wild.
Speaker 2:Yeah, it was really crazy, I guess. I think I guess we were just we were packing lanes tonight. I guess the car just forgot to get locked, but I guess I just someone was watching while we were packing up the car, yeah, and what a weird way to start your move back to your dad's house.
Speaker 1:Yeah, yeah.
Speaker 2:Yeah, it was really wild, wild. I yeah that was such a weird time but it was all good got new clothes, it was all good. So, um, but yeah, so honestly, it really went so well, like first moving in together, we went to church all the time together, we bought all the stuff I wanted to do. I was really excited, growing closer to God with them and everything. And so there were some issues here and there at the time, but nothing that was major to me but towards like more towards the end of the stay there. So I want to say we moved in June, so probably more towards the end of the year.
Speaker 2:Things kind of got a little strange and I was realizing, just from what they taught me that I was holding on to a lot of still hurt from when we lived together and I felt like I was, um, from my understanding. I felt like I was getting spiritually attacked with like anger towards my stepmom and my dad for it and I wanted to talk to them about it because I wanted to get like released from it and like talk about it from it. But I was terrified because with our past I felt like if I said something it was going to be twisted around. Even though we came so far in our relationship, I felt like that's what was going to happen, because I my anxiety was still bad at this point. I still couldn't. I couldn't order for myself in restaurants. My dad would order with me for me, or my friends would order for me in restaurants. I was petrified to speak.
Speaker 1:It sounds like you had a fear of confrontation.
Speaker 2:Yeah, um, it was just, yeah, a whole bunch of social anxiety and fear of confrontation, rejection, everything just from how things used to be, just from how things used to be. So I did try to say something, but when I said it, you know, my stepmom wanted to talk to me right then, but I was terrified and I was like I'll talk in the morning. Well, then the morning comes and I am procrastinating because I'm petrified to try to talk about this and get these feelings out. Well, my stepmom storms into my room and basically is yelling at me because I'm not talking to her about it. So, yeah, I'm just in my bed and she just comes in, basically like you're not doing what you're supposed to do, you want it all on your time and blah, blah, blah, and I'm like it was my feelings like to talk about. Yeah, so we, basically we that we went back and forth on that, but we squashed it actually, because we came together and we literally and I even told her how I was feeling and we like said we loved each other we squashed it like at this point we were very close, like she called me a daughter to her and I looked at her like a mother figure as well at the time, you know, because we just grew so close, like we went shopping together, breakfast together, I adored her, um, and so from then on things just seemed like it went normal, like we were doing good.
Speaker 2:I was working at the time, working late, but I still went to church on Sundays with them like we were doing good. I was working at the time, working late, but I still went to church on Sundays with them. Um, we were doing full weekends and stuff and I enjoyed it, but I stopped because of the work I was in. So then we um. So then winter break comes for school and my dad sits me down and he basically says like hey, I'm not finding work here. I've got a job, but I'm gonna have to travel out. And he was like so you're gonna have to go back to Texas like you're gonna have to go back to San Antonio.
Speaker 2:I'm sorry and I'm just like okay. Like so I'm trying to figure out where I'm gonna go, because I have a best friend and we've been planning to move in together after high school. I really don't want to go back to my aunt's house, so I'm like OK. So I called my best friend and I was like hey, like is there any chance I can come stay with you? You know, because I know we're going to plan to move in together after the school year. Like is this fine, you know? So yeah. So they agreed, her, her mom is just, was just so amazing. Like they were like yeah, absolutely. So I was like, okay, I'll move in with them.
Speaker 2:And there was at one point during this when I was with my dad alone in the kitchen. I looked at him and I'm like and I remember this, I was with my dad alone in the kitchen. I looked at him and I'm like, and I remember this. I was like is the real, is it really that you've got a job, that I've got to go back to San Antonio? Because something just felt off about it. And he was just like and the way he looked at me, it was a very odd way he looked at me. He kind of looked like he wanted to say something, but he was just like, basically said that it was for the job, basically, but it was just something. I mean I remember that interaction. I was like something just fell off. But I said okay. So they were very kind and they gave me a car that was my stepsister's, so my stepmom drove that and he drove that. But I noticed the whole way there, my stepmom would not talk to me and she would not look at me like she. When they went to drop me off, she wasn't even going to get out of the car to say bye to me. Like, and it was so confusing to me because what I was saying before is everything was back to normal.
Speaker 2:During that whole time since that interaction, nothing, not a hair, was like I would have picked up that something was that she still kissed me, she still hugged me, she still said she loved me, everything. So yeah, so yeah. I literally at that time when he went to drop me off, I was like, oh, like, are we not gonna say bye to Abby? So he said it. So she came out, she hugged me, but then she got right back in and I was like, okay.
Speaker 2:So then at that point, when I was living with my best friends, we were still in our last semester of senior year and, um, they worked. So I was alone a lot of the times, like because we had early release for senior year too. So like, yeah, I was just in the house, I never driver's license or anything, and I was wanting a, but I was trying to find a job that would work with school hours and everything. So, yeah, so I was, and at that point my dad was not really answering my texts, like he would call me and check on me, but it was like literally only like when he, I guess, had the time to do it, or, on his terms, I would text him about certain things and he wouldn't respond.
Speaker 2:And on the phone I would be like, hey, I asked you this. He's like, oh well, I just had nothing to say and I'm just like, okay, like all right then. So I just kind of went doing my own thing, um, and I, and it just felt weird and I was feeling like there was something going on, but I just let it go. Come to find out months later. Apparently my stepmom was holding a grudge over that and basically I guess was hiding it the whole time. And then I don't know if they had just been planning this or what happened, but that's apparently what it is that he said I disrespected her and that I was telling that I. He said I told him directly I didn't like her. I'm like that never happened. I was like we never had that conversation.
Speaker 2:I was like I was like, and as much as I was terrified to just talk to you about what I was feeling, I would never be able to just tell you that if I did feel that way, you know, I was like so crazy.
Speaker 2:And then he tried using a situation where I was, um, he had family come in and we were out to dinner and I'm socially like. I had social anxiety at the time so I didn't talk, because when people are talking so much, I don't insert myself, like I'm just to myself. But he said that I was being absolutely rude and acting like I was arrogant, above everyone not to talk to them, like and like. He literally texted me that in the middle of our conversation about this and I'm like you don't know me at all, like and you don't even try to know me, like, you don't even try to understand, like what it is that I'm going through or try to help me through it. You just make your own assumptions of what it is, which is wild to me, because as much as they understood about spiritual warfare because that's what a lot they talked about I guess they just didn't understand, like the level of what these spirits are. At the same time, it's just so wild, I guess, for everyone else it was apparent to them.
Speaker 1:I don't know. Yeah, that's very, that is interesting, and I know that a huge piece of spiritual warfare and allowing these things into us and not being able to get rid of them is unforgiveness. So the fact that your stepmom was holding on to resentment and had unforgiveness in her life, you know that is an avenue to hang on to that negative spirit. So that's just, it's interesting. Thank you so much for tuning in to today's episode. As you can hear, mary has been through a lot and what this conversation really highlights is the damage that divorce can do on families and spiritual warfare, demons and being demonized. So next week we're going to hear more about Mary's story and what ended up resulting and happening in her life, in her relationships, in her romantic relationships, as a result of this history and the things that happened to her as a child. So thank you for tuning in today, stay tuned for next week and thank you for being on this journey, as always.
Speaker 1:If you want to follow along outside of this podcast, you can do so on social media or on Instagram, facebook and YouTube at the Radiant Mission. Today I'm going to close with Proverbs 19, verse 3, and I'm actually going to read from the NLT or New Living Translation, which I don't normally do, but it is just so real that I have to use that version. People ruin their lives by their own foolishness and then they're angry at the Lord. How real is that? We are wishing you a radiant week and we will see you next time. Bye everyone.
